That was Wisconsin...

I am obsessive. I am depressive. I am so many more things. Oh well.

I am starting to like myself. Just barely.

I was standing out in the freezing cold not 10 minutes ago, drinking a hoppy seasonal ale and smoking a medium blend. I froze my ass off in a few short minutes. But of course it was worth it.

All of a sudden a burst of positive energy filled my head and I actually allowed it to continue for at least 30 seconds. It was an incredible amount of time for me to be filled with such happiness. I don't have moments like that very often.

I realized that I was lucky. Very very lucky. I am making very intentional decisions about my life, and not just reacting to all the shit that I have to deal with. I don't know how in the world I have gained that ability, if only for a little while.

I have not really lived, not done anything with my life according to so many standards. And there are a million and one reasons for that. But right now I am doing so much that I barely have time to sit back and think about it.

Tonight I realized that I have not done anything wrong in a long long time. Others might perceive lots of my actions as sinful, shameful, and just plain wrong. But all the same I am living intentionally on a much larger scale. At least that's how I see it.

I am having dreams about my future. And I am not feeling as ashamed or overwhelmed by them as I have before. Most of the time they are so grandiose and seemingly unrealistic that I quickly tell myself that they could never happen. And I give up before I try.

But I have been trying so much lately. And I have actually been succeeding, at least a little bit. I am intelligent, for the most part. I am also infinitely more of a smart ass than I am actually intelligent. But I am doing quite well in school this quarter and it feels good. I might actually string together a couple of consecutive quarters enrolled in school, which would be quite the accomplishment for me.

Even as I write this I am thinking of at least 23 things that are going wrong for every one thing I feel good about. But I have to focus on that one. Otherwise I will just give up again.

One good thing, one lucky thing, one simply amazing thing is that I have so many kick-ass friends. Why in the world am I so lucky? I am at a loss as to why it is so.

I met with one of them last Saturday morning over coffee. We talked for at least two hours. Now that was amazing. I felt happy the whole time. Imagine that!

In four short days I will be on a plane to visit New York City for the holidays. Final exams will be far behind me, and maybe, just maybe, I will relax and enjoy myself for the six whole days in a row I am there. Wouldn't that be something?!